Love knows no bounds…

Today Has Been One Of Those Days

I just can’t find something I want to write about. Every time I write some I end up deleting it for being far to boring, even to my boring standards. Maybe it’s the rain, or maybe it’s how the day began. It began in a way I would not have predicted, ever.

This true story begins last night. I worked out, ate dinner, showered, and went on over to the Cheese’s place. We had a glass of wine, did our thing, ended up going to sleep.

While sleeping I woke up a few times. Once from her snoring loudly, once from cat meowing like there was no tomorrow, once to take a leak, and one time I woke for a split second and had a thought of what was that? Then went back to sleep.

When the alarm finally woke us up for good I had come out of a dream in which I was walking around with Mayor Mike Bloomberg and Donald Trump. We were going through art museums and I kept screaming at the top of my lungs with a fake German/Irish accent “that is the greatest piece of artwork I have ever seen!” I told my Cheese about the dream, and we decided that I would do this in her presence one night at MoMa.

Then I remembered that moment from the middle of the night that I woke up for a split second. I remembered that I was lying on my left side and it felt as though something ran down my butt cheek. I felt my left cheek and it was dry. I thought that it was odd for me to have had that sensation in the middle of the night. Then I felt the need to drop a deuce.

I headed to the bathroom, while my Cheese went to make us goat cheese omelets. I sat down and only had a minimal fart. Nothing came out. I went to wipe anyways and my butt was fully swamp ass. This didn’t seem logical from such a tiny fart.

Confused and worried about my swamp ass I went back to the bed. I needed to double check with the light on that the entire situation was all in my head, and that I did not feel anything last night, and that my ass was not all swampy.

I looked at the bed sheet on my side of the bed, and saw it was all purple. Whew! I sighed, since purple is what the sheets are supposed to be colored on this set. Then I took a look at the white comforter, and it was still white.

Then I thought, coast is clear. It’s all in my head. So I decided I would make my Cheese’s bed for her while she cooked. As I straightened the sheets and comforter out I saw something. It was it. It was what I felt in the middle of the night, and it was what logically would have left me with a swamp ass. It was a patch of wet fart poop!

That’s right, I somehow shit my girlfriends bed last night. She didn’t notice it either. I thought what should I do about this. The only option I could think of was honesty. So I sadly went to the kitchen, hugged my girlfriend from behind while she cooked and had this conversation.

Beehive: Baby, I need to tell you something.
Cheese: What’s the matter?
Beehive: I just came out of the bathroom and had swamp ass. I think I farted in the middle of the night and did something to the bed.
Cheese: Why do you think that? (laughing)
Beehive: Cause I saw what I did.
Cheese: What did you? (laughing harder)
Beehive: I sort of shit on your bed.
Cheese: How do you know for sure?
Beehive: Cause it’s all right there in bed.
(Cheese laughing so hard she would have fallen onto the floor if I hadn’t held her in my hug)
Cheese: I need to go see this. Can I go see this?
Beehive: If you really want to.

Cheese ran to the bedroom, she pulled all the sheets back and saw a stain on her bed sheet that I hadn’t even seen. She said, “That looks like nothing.” I pulled the regular sheet down to show the actual innards of me splattered out across her lovely purple sheets.

Cheese: Oh my God! (laughing)
Beehive: I know…
Cheese: Oh my God you did not do that. Oh my God tell me you did not do that. (laughing)
Beehive: I did do that.
Cheese: You need to go in the shower right now. Go in the shower. Seriously go.
Beehive: Shall I go wash them for you quick?
Cheese: No, Just get in the shower!

I went and showered. She went and finished cooking breakfast. After my shower I stripped the bed. Ate breakfast, dressed, and left for work.

Love knows no bounds…