Battleshit

I’ve had a fascination with poop, farts, pee, basically any bodily function or action that makes a noise or smell for as long at I can remember.

Every office that I’ve worked in that had multi person bathrooms has been mainly the same. Men push and squeeze really loud and smelly objects from their behinds. I’m not sure how they do it on such the consistent basis. I admit that every now and then my butt makes loud raging farts, and has explosive diarrhea. Whose butt hasn’t? What I’m curious about is how these men do it all the time? What do they eat or drink that makes them so prone to such humorous multi-person bathroom occupancy acts? Yes, I do laugh out loud, and sometimes bite my tongue to not laugh so loud.

I was taking care of business earlier. * I had planned this out sine my morning commute, when I felt the urge to go but I couldn’t since I was on the subway. About a half an hour into my day, I’m on the phone with my girlfriend, who asked, “Did you take care of business?” my reply, “nope, I need to look forward to something to do later on in the day”. Around 2:15pm I hurried myself from my cube to the Men’s room. I had farted enough in my cube, and my butt had begun to toot itself quite loud, rather than get caught red handed with a Trombone butt I figured that I would take care of business. I went towards the back, where the beloved 4th stall is, the door was ajar, but I could see a shadow, looked down and saw feet in my prized stall. The German heritage in me made me follow proper rules and etiquette so I skipped the 3rd stall, and utilized the 2nd stall. It was my first time in the second stall and liked the overall comfy atmosphere it had. The overhead light was out, so it was dark and shadowy. I set my toilet seat butt protector paper down and I hear the 4th stall door lock, and someone sit back down on their butt protector paper. Has someone been pooping with the door open again? Yes, I think so. I let go some low sounding bursts of gas, nothing too loud. Then out of left field this guy hits me with a barrage of farts. I mean it sounded like he was lost in a cave and screaming for help. I wasn’t afraid of his aggressive butt tactics and counterattacked with my poop. Yeah, that’s right I just come right out with it. No gas needed. Just poop! It made a splashing sound, but the man in the 4th stall kept his battery of farts going. Batteshit was under way. I release a second counter attack with the same splashing sound. This one got the 4th stall to cease fire. I thought I was done with the poop. I pulled off a good patch of tp, and then waited. I was in no hurry to get back to my desk. No more than five seconds after I tore off the tp, I hear Mr. Poops in the 4th Stall with the Door Open rip of his own piece of tp. I held my ground, and I could hear the man in the 4th stall feverishly wipe his butt, flush, pull up his pants, and tuck. I won. I outlasted the demon shitter. As the unknown man passed my stall I tried to get a look at him, but he was unrecognizable. He was camouflaged up in his suit. As he washed his hands, I felt something. A third turd wanted to make an exit. It made a good splashing sound, and the mystery man left. I then proceeded to fart amongst myself, peed, wiped, flushed, washed up.

The question still remains, why do most men take care of business so loudly?



*Taking Care Of Business: definition: to take a dumb, to squat on a toilet and remove ones feces.