Love knows no bounds…

Today Has Been One Of Those Days

I just can’t find something I want to write about. Every time I write some I end up deleting it for being far to boring, even to my boring standards. Maybe it’s the rain, or maybe it’s how the day began. It began in a way I would not have predicted, ever.

This true story begins last night. I worked out, ate dinner, showered, and went on over to the Cheese’s place. We had a glass of wine, did our thing, ended up going to sleep.

While sleeping I woke up a few times. Once from her snoring loudly, once from cat meowing like there was no tomorrow, once to take a leak, and one time I woke for a split second and had a thought of what was that? Then went back to sleep.

When the alarm finally woke us up for good I had come out of a dream in which I was walking around with Mayor Mike Bloomberg and Donald Trump. We were going through art museums and I kept screaming at the top of my lungs with a fake German/Irish accent “that is the greatest piece of artwork I have ever seen!” I told my Cheese about the dream, and we decided that I would do this in her presence one night at MoMa.

Then I remembered that moment from the middle of the night that I woke up for a split second. I remembered that I was lying on my left side and it felt as though something ran down my butt cheek. I felt my left cheek and it was dry. I thought that it was odd for me to have had that sensation in the middle of the night. Then I felt the need to drop a deuce.

I headed to the bathroom, while my Cheese went to make us goat cheese omelets. I sat down and only had a minimal fart. Nothing came out. I went to wipe anyways and my butt was fully swamp ass. This didn’t seem logical from such a tiny fart.

Confused and worried about my swamp ass I went back to the bed. I needed to double check with the light on that the entire situation was all in my head, and that I did not feel anything last night, and that my ass was not all swampy.

I looked at the bed sheet on my side of the bed, and saw it was all purple. Whew! I sighed, since purple is what the sheets are supposed to be colored on this set. Then I took a look at the white comforter, and it was still white.

Then I thought, coast is clear. It’s all in my head. So I decided I would make my Cheese’s bed for her while she cooked. As I straightened the sheets and comforter out I saw something. It was it. It was what I felt in the middle of the night, and it was what logically would have left me with a swamp ass. It was a patch of wet fart poop!

That’s right, I somehow shit my girlfriends bed last night. She didn’t notice it either. I thought what should I do about this. The only option I could think of was honesty. So I sadly went to the kitchen, hugged my girlfriend from behind while she cooked and had this conversation.

Beehive: Baby, I need to tell you something.
Cheese: What’s the matter?
Beehive: I just came out of the bathroom and had swamp ass. I think I farted in the middle of the night and did something to the bed.
Cheese: Why do you think that? (laughing)
Beehive: Cause I saw what I did.
Cheese: What did you? (laughing harder)
Beehive: I sort of shit on your bed.
Cheese: How do you know for sure?
Beehive: Cause it’s all right there in bed.
(Cheese laughing so hard she would have fallen onto the floor if I hadn’t held her in my hug)
Cheese: I need to go see this. Can I go see this?
Beehive: If you really want to.

Cheese ran to the bedroom, she pulled all the sheets back and saw a stain on her bed sheet that I hadn’t even seen. She said, “That looks like nothing.” I pulled the regular sheet down to show the actual innards of me splattered out across her lovely purple sheets.

Cheese: Oh my God! (laughing)
Beehive: I know…
Cheese: Oh my God you did not do that. Oh my God tell me you did not do that. (laughing)
Beehive: I did do that.
Cheese: You need to go in the shower right now. Go in the shower. Seriously go.
Beehive: Shall I go wash them for you quick?
Cheese: No, Just get in the shower!

I went and showered. She went and finished cooking breakfast. After my shower I stripped the bed. Ate breakfast, dressed, and left for work.

Love knows no bounds…

The Bug On A Reporter Video

I had watched this video off of gawker, which was off of youtube at my desktop. Since my desktop has no volume, I forwarded it to my coworker, KG. She watched it, and called me immediately.

This video needed the justice of sound, so I watched it on KG's desktop, and well...I laughed so hard that I farted, loudly.

Thankfully she didn't notice, or chose to just ignore it.

I Enjoy Learning New Things

Jack Black referenced this at the end of the VMA show last week. It kept ringing in my head, and I just had to find out what a Rusty Trombone is. I had guessed correct in that it is a sexual phrase, and had no clue that that is what those actions are called.

Rusty Trombone

In a side note, I played trombone while in Junior High. It was part of the "you are forced to play in band, only because your older sister was in band" unwritten rule of the Public School system in NYC. I'd like to maybe pick it up one day, since I have no time right now for such things.

Laughing My Ass Off!!!

I just got out of the mens room. I was in the last stall, number 3. I was zipping up my pants when I heard the door open. The pitter-patter of the footsteps was hurried. I heard the first stall door close. The toilet paper was being pulled and ripped in a rush. I went and washed my hands, while I heard what I thought to be an excessive amount of toilet paper being pulled to use as a seat guard, especially considering that there are plenty of seat guards in each stall. I wondered who was in there. A heard the flush of the toilet.

This usually done when someone is under the impression that they are about to let out a loud fart or disgusting smelling turd, the flush will do two things, first it will make enough noise to overpower most butt sounds, and two, it gives a lesser amount of time for things to stink up a room. I am not a fan of this guise. It usually ends up with water being sprayed on my bottom, to which I am not fond of.

After I dried my hands I walked to the door, opened the door using the paper towel that I had in my hand from drying my hands, went to lean back to toss the paper towel in the garbage can, and then I heard some sounds.

These sounds consisted of a grunt, gasp, and then really really really loud gas. It echoed in the bowl, which in turn echoed into throughout the bathroom, which since I had the door open, echoed throughout the hallway, and in turn echoed to about 5 or 6 cubes away from the hallway entrance. I immediately grinned, and just needed to get back to my desk. I didn’t want anyone to see me laughing to myself, and ask why, for if they did I would have told them the truth, and then they would have lost a little bit of respect for me.

I was most certainly not expecting those sounds to be so loud, and when I first heard it, I thought that sounds like the CIO. I got back to my desk, and saw that the CIO was no in his office. He arrived about 5 minutes later, while I was writing this blog. I am 99% sure it was he who did those jolly things in the bathroom this afternoon.

I’ll also let you know that part of me wishes that someone was passing as I opened the door and heard the grunt, gasp, and gas, this way I could be laughing about it with someone right now.